Unnecessary people

I’ve come to a stark realisation - people who do unnecessary things are unnecessary themselves.

I’ve been in a lift five times so far today, and on three of those occasions I was forced to share the same air as an unnecessary person. Why are they deemed unnecessary? Because each one of them decided that pressing the ‘lift call’ button repeatedly when it was already lit up was a worthy use of their time.

Unnecessary people do not function in the same way as necessary people. They have smaller brains, and thus less capacity for social interaction. They are colossally thick, and despite mammoth advances in scientific research techniques, they are still immeasurably self-important and irritating.

For instance, this is the exact thought process they would’ve gone through whilst waiting for the lift this morning:

• The lift will not come quickly for mere mortals
• In fact, the lift may not come at all
• The lift only responds to the Chosen One’s hands
• I am the Chosen One
• The lift likes it when I press its button repeatedly and it will come quicker.
• Just like my uncle in the bathtub when I was five.

If your only goal in life is to wield some kind of imaginary divine power that can make lifts arrive earlier and green men appear quicker when you want to cross a road, then you don’t deserve to exist. Go to the nearest wood and fall over. If no one hears you, then don’t come back.