Christ on a bike. With the benefit of 20-20 hindsight, a song that I really liked when I was 9 or 10 is in fact one of the gayest things ever.

London Boys were a duo of ballet-dancing muscleboys who were clearly master chocolatiers. One of them even bore a passing resemblance to a camp Sylvester Stallone. And somehow, as a child not only did I fail to notice this, but also my parents never thought to point it out. Maybe they didn’t spot it either.

And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is why I’ve turned out to be the kind of person who thinks that wearing bright red trainers is perfectly acceptable behaviour.